Are you staying in your own pandemic pod for Thanksgiving? Do you have wine or other alcoholic beverages? Great. You’re ready for a Zoom Thanksgiving with the rest of your family.

(But also: please drink responsibly, OK? You could even drink seltzer instead of booze if your goal is to have amazing burps. Live your dreams.)

Drink when:

Your mom asks if you just woke up.
Your dad makes a Tofurky joke.
Someone starts talking on mute. Bonus: drink again when someone says “you’re muted.”
You can only see someone’s chin and neck.
You see the reflection of someone’s ring light in their glasses.
Someone yells to their offscreen child, “No, put it down! I said put it down. Right now.” Then rolls their eyes, mutes themselves, and leaves the screen.
Someone drops mashed potatoes on their computer.
Someone’s phone drops into the mashed potatoes.
Someone says “No, you go ahead.”
Someone shares an appetizer recipe in the chat that somehow involves crushed Cheetos.
A child suddenly appears on the screen to show everyone a drawing that looks like boobs.
Your teenage cousin blatantly watches TikTok videos on his phone.
Someone turns on Christmas music.
Someone shares an article about “Biden’s illegal victory” in the chat.
Someone’s phone falls over and you can only see a napkin.
An elderly relative falls asleep.

Finish your drink when:

Your brother starts a sentence with “So, actually….” and everyone else mutes themselves.
Someone reveals they aren’t wearing pants.
You take off your own pants.
You successfully minimize the Zoom window and buy leggings online without anyone noticing you have fully disengaged from the conversation.
You click the Leave Meeting button, and then forget you also have to click the other Leave Meeting button.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!